WEST HAM CAPITAL INC.
Degeneranti, genus opprobrium
In addition to West Ham Capital's breakthrough approach to distressed asset investing (we buy when asset prices are zero), we have a novel approach to corporate governance — despite our long history as a firm, we endeavor to remake ourselves frequently to keep our edge in the market (and because certain repeated bankruptcy proceedings obligate us to do so).
West Ham Capital is a remote-first, employee-owned, limited but also full partnership, joint-venture LLC/GmbH/C-Corp, with several fully and partially owned subsidiaries. Our complex corporate structure serves two purposes. First, it keeps us agile enough to respond to a rapidly changing regulatory landscape. And second, it functions as a jobs program for lawyers, since part of our mission is to invest in positive-impact charity for society's benefit.
There are no less than thirty-six boards of directors, with various co-mingled directorships, leading to an aggregate of 74 distinct board members with intersecting influences, roles, and responsibilities. Each member is also an LP in the general fund, and West Ham Capital has never accepted outside funding in its long and storied history.
Just to be perfectly clear: West Ham Capital will never solicit funds from you. We will never ask for your information on a Google Spreadsheet. Will never promise you an airdrop, NFT, and any other on-chain nonsense. West Ham Capital is an insider cabal and you're not part of it. Not sure many of you would even survive the initiation (which involves a Bahamian Penthouse and a non-trivial amount of Vaseline and amphetamines). Sorry, and you're welcome.
As for actual corporate governance, we leave tactical day-to-day investor relations to the executives of our various subsidiary funds, while there are quarterly remote check-ins that generally devolve into remote drinking matches. Incidentally, we hold in-person annual shareholder meetings near West Ham stadium in London — most of us are unfortunately banned from entering the actual stadium, so we tend to find a nice spot outside.
Which brings us to the actual mission of West Ham Capital. We are a non-traditional firm, with non-traditional origins, and wouldn't you guess it, our aims are not...conventional. Yes we support charities (including a significant donation to the Center for Ineffective Altruism every year) but our main purpose is to dramatically improve the welfare of all mankind, primarily by purchasing West Ham FC. Sure, selfishly it would mean they couldn't ban us from entering the stadium, but more importantly, we think there's great potential for West Ham FC to become a mecca for furthering the development of the human spirit. We would explain how, but honestly — and no offense here — we're not sure you'd really get it.
Anyway, there's also a DAO, but no one is quite sure how it works or why we need it.